I’m not blogging enough.

Erm…

I haven’t been blogging at all.  I have been thinking a lot. (I know, I know! Thinking does not count.)

I’ve been thinking about habits and sin, progress and not perfection, saints and Saints.  I wondered out loud the other day, “When did the pursuit of Virtue become undesirable?”  I have protestant friends who constantly claim VICTORY in Jesus’ name.  Often I seem to be surrounded by people content to stay in the shallow depths of feeling good.

I sat in adoration the other day.  I spoke one sentence from the depths of my heart.

“Lord, I don’t want to be such a jerk anymore.”  I cried quite a bit after that. It is great to feel good.  It is probably awesome to proclaim victory over sin.  I’m a realist, I guess.  I’m not sure that will ever happen.  What I have noticed is a change of heart.  A big one. (not a perfect one.)  An aversion to (some) sin.  A sense of guilt around others.  An honest desire to do better. An attempt to (however feeble) to be the best me I can be.

I trace all of it back to that first encounter with the Eucharist.

I realized last night that I never discerned vocations in my life.  I really don’t know if it matters or not.  I’m single, celibate.  I’ll either be doing that or be a monk? a priest?  It doesn’t really sound all that exciting to think about.  Not to mention I am a little lazy.  And set in my ways.  And lazily set in my ways being lazy.

I will do something I do very well.  Sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

end