I’m not blogging enough.
I haven’t been blogging at all. I have been thinking a lot. (I know, I know! Thinking does not count.)
I’ve been thinking about habits and sin, progress and not perfection, saints and Saints. I wondered out loud the other day, “When did the pursuit of Virtue become undesirable?” I have protestant friends who constantly claim VICTORY in Jesus’ name. Often I seem to be surrounded by people content to stay in the shallow depths of feeling good.
I sat in adoration the other day. I spoke one sentence from the depths of my heart.
“Lord, I don’t want to be such a jerk anymore.” I cried quite a bit after that. It is great to feel good. It is probably awesome to proclaim victory over sin. I’m a realist, I guess. I’m not sure that will ever happen. What I have noticed is a change of heart. A big one. (not a perfect one.) An aversion to (some) sin. A sense of guilt around others. An honest desire to do better. An attempt to (however feeble) to be the best me I can be.
I trace all of it back to that first encounter with the Eucharist.
I realized last night that I never discerned vocations in my life. I really don’t know if it matters or not. I’m single, celibate. I’ll either be doing that or be a monk? a priest? It doesn’t really sound all that exciting to think about. Not to mention I am a little lazy. And set in my ways. And lazily set in my ways being lazy.
I will do something I do very well. Sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament.