That has been a theme I have revisited several times in my life. Is it true? I think so. The caveat being that the risk be aligned with God’s will. That means you cannot risk 2 million dollars in savings for lottery tickets and a chance to win 300 million. That is just stupid, in my unhumble estimation of the human condition.
There are so many things I wanted to share from the last few days. So many things I want to say. I won’t. For once, I will be obedient. I will share as I have been prompted to by the Holy Spirit.
First, I owe my readers an apology. I have committed the sin of lying by omission to you. It has had consequences for me, people close to me, and readers I have never met. I used the anonymity of the internet as just cause to not be honest about who I am. Some (many I bet), I bet will want to argue for me. That I do not have to divulge the particulars of my life so brazenly on the internet. Perhaps, they are correct. It has felt like lying. It has felt dishonest. And in some ways, it has given cause to scandal. I am truly sorry. I do apologize, and seek my readers forgiveness.
6 months after I was confirmed in the Catholic Church, I married a man. 15 months after receiving a singular grace of understanding the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist, I decided that the love of one man was more important than the love of my Savior.
The marriage ended after 4 months. It shattered my whole world. I’ve spent the last year slowly trying to rebuild my life. It has had its own share of ups and downs, I am better off now. I thank the Holy Spirit for talking to me and leading me through this whole ordeal. It isn’t over yet. I still have to find a way to legally end it.
In the last year it has become ever apparent where I belong. It has also become apparent that sex does not serve me. Truly, it has never served me well. That is why today I live a celibate life, strive for internal chastity, and will continue to do so as long as I have air to breathe. I am sure that some well intentioned people will have much to say. Please do so. Whether it be that I am bonkers, or you fully support me, I welcome you to say something. Having lied to you, it is the least I can do in reparation.
My decision is not a pronouncement on someone else’s identity, orientation, needs, wants, beliefs, or political ideations. It really isn’t one on mine either. It is a following of something within me. To be honest, it happened a while back. I’m just revealing the information now. It is actually similar to coming out of the closet. Less glitter and no party hats though. (terrible joke, I know.) It took time. I needed to at least partially recover from the split with my spouse, Michael. I’ve looked at my life with a certain amount of frankness. Where have I been, where am I, where do I want to go? It became obvious to me that my choices in regards to relationships, partners, and sexual activity were serving only consequences to me. Here is where I can honestly say, I don’t need to divulge details. If you must know some sordid detail, ask privately.
So, I quit. I gave up. I surrendered. I can’t. He can help me. I’m going to let Him. The beauty is of course, in the simplicity of how it evolved. Fear, though has held me back from sharing about it. The world is crazy enough without talking about sex and sexuality. I thought I could avoid talking about my decision. God, in the infinite wisdom He posses, thought differently. He had more grace to pour into me.
I went on a retreat this weekend. I will share more about it later, I promise. We split off into pairs. We were doing simple interviews (getting to know each other) by asking a couple of questions about where we were spiritually. I don’t know how much I have grown as a Christian. One thing I simply cannot do is lie or be intentionally vague sitting face to face with someone. Every thing in our conversation kept leading back to me needing to be honest. It is a terrifying thing to say, “I am broken. I hurt, I have pain.” Especially to a complete stranger. And yes, it is really hard for me to share with a man. Honestly, I think sex with a stranger is probably easier. Sordid, yes. It is the honest truth though.
I took the leap (eventually). It felt like plunging off a skyscraper. Of course, I had to cry a little. That always help. Somehow I managed to gather the courage to look in that man’s eyes. For the second time in my life I experienced a singular grace. From his eyes, flowed grace, compassion, and mercy. I’m sure he said something truly kind. I was in complete shock. It was a very vulnerable moment, and I will be forever grateful to the him for his kindness. His kindness actually has given me the courage to be honest with readers and others.
I’m sure there are some people that are warming up their label maker. Fag, queer, homosexual, SSA, gay, celibate, etc.
For the record I prefer Roy the former pagan, comedian who loves Jesus and His Church.
Some quotes that come to mind now as I realize I am actually going to publish this.
Jesus, I trust in you.
The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried. – Chesterton
Let no one mourn that he has fallen again and again, for forgiveness has risen from the grave. St. John Chrysostom
The hardest part now is seeing where I land. Will the 55 men I met this weekend react the same as one man did. I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. What matters now is truth, being honest with myself and others.
The reward? Freedom. Freedom from self. Freedom for eternity.