At this point in my life I am seeking self honesty like the drowning seek a life-preserver. It isn’t bad. It is difficult at times though.
I regret my flirtation with atheism. It wounded me.
I regret that I hadn’t listened with my heart sooner. I can recognize today multiple times that I was being prompted in the direction that I am following now.
I regret that I stepped into this decision during a presidential election year. I hear over and over from many sources certain topics that are, “Important to Catholics today.” Ok, I get it. I’m new. I’m not finished with formation. That is my #1, #2, and #3 priority right now. Yes, those important issues need to be looked at, pondered, scrutinized, etc… I am not there. I spend a lot of time tuning out and glancing over TV, Radio, and books whose sole purpose (it seems) is to preach to the choir.
On being vulnerable…
Imagine your favorite little vice or distraction just quit working one day. Too much Internet or TV. Sex, Food, Gambling, Pornography, et al…just no longer did the trick. Yet you continued out of habit… And try to imagine seeing THE solution, wanting THE solution…but having to practice patience and obedience until it was due time to receive the Fullness of the Solution. This is my universe today. It is very painful. There is sorrow, regret, and pain like I never imagined existed. It is a type of suffering that is antithetical to everything I have ever known. Yet I wake up everyday and seem to embrace it. Make no mistake, there is a finish line and there is a prize. I want it more desperately than I have ever longed for anything. It does make me very vulnerable, and verify-ably nutty at times.
On a glimmer of hope…
Two things at RCIA tonight. First off, I admitted that I flirted with atheism. It is something I am very ashamed of.
I asked for support. I don;t do that much. I don’t do it very well most of the time either. Tonight however, I think (hope) I nailed it. I was talking with our RCIA leader Jon. I was just honest. I hurt. It hurts. I need support. I need prayer. I need love, affirmation, hugs, head pats, and words of encouragement. I need the opportunity to earn trust and build trust within the RCIA group I am in. I need my RCIA sponsor to hold my hand when I want to freak out and lock myself in my house. I need the Fullness of Christ as revealed in the Eucharist.
I met someone else in the group tonight. I won’t use their name. It would not be fair. This individual looked like I feel. I am sure they are hurting and looking for the same thing. I am not looking to convert so I can get married. This is a huge thing to me.
Prayer for the day:
God grant me strength, I am weak.